NAP RAGE
You know your baby is tired but they won’t.fall.asleep… now what?
We’ve all been there - we saw all the tired cues, they hit their wake window, and we’re pretty sure they’re exhausted and overdue for their nap… only to find ourselves rage bouncing in a dark room for the zillionth hour trying to get them to fall asleep. The nap isn’t happening but at this point we’ve invested so much time and energy in trying to make it work, we can’t bring ourselves to quit.
But here’s the thing - that’s exactly what’s going to help.
Stop. Trying.
While I generally don’t subscribe to the idea that there is anything we have to do or not do when it comes to baby sleep, the 20-Minute Rule might be my exception.
The 20-Minute Rule
Getting annoyed or angry that the nap isn’t happening is normal - we’ve all been there. But remember that all of us need to feel calm and at ease in order to drift off to sleep.
Since our babies pick up on everything we’re feeling, it’s easy to see how our frustration is working against their feelings of calm and ease, making sleep harder for them to come by.
This frustration at naptime, if repeated often enough, can have the unintended effect of creating a negative association with sleep altogether. You might find your baby is starting to get upset as soon as they notice the nap routine getting underway if experience tells them this routine always leads to their caregiver getting annoyed and angry.
To avoid this, we have to stop the naptime routine before we start to feel that frustration come up.
I call this the 20 Minute Rule: if you’ve been rocking / feeding / bouncing your baby to sleep for 20 minutes and they’re still awake, it’s time to take a break and try again in a bit.
Leave the bedroom (together) and get yourself a snack. Go for a walk. Make yourself a fresh cup of coffee or warm tee. Basically, do you need to do to take the edge off (I’d often bring my baby into the bathroom and let her play on the floor with some toys while I used this time to take a shower!).
After around 20 minutes, if you still think they’re tired, try the nap again. Oftentimes, this extra sleep pressure makes the second attempt go much more smoothly. If it doesn’t, it’s ok to skip the nap altogether and move on with your day! You can offer their next nap - or bedtime - earlier to accommodate if you need to.
It’s not worth spending hours of your day in a blacked-out room trying to get a not-tired baby to sleep. Trust me.
There are so many better ways to spend your time with your baby than in a dark room willing them to fall asleep.
"But they are tired! I know they are!"
True as that might be, trying to force sleep when it’s clearly not happening right now is a recipe for everyone getting annoyed, angry and overwhelmed.
Instead, call it. Move on. Do a reset - you can always try for the nap again in a bit.
This tip has been a game changer for so many families I’ve worked with. It sounds so simple but can be the real difference between naps being a constant source of stress and frustration… or not!
An added bonus of not trying so hard to force the nap is parents often report it helps them get better at reading what their child’s tired cues are, instead of their miscues for boredom, connection, and being overstimulated or understimulated, etc.
Longer Wake Windows
If ‘fighting naps’ is happening more often than not, it’s worth considering whether your baby needs longer wake windows so they’re actually tired enough come nap time.
A few signs it’s time to lengthen your little one’s wake windows:
you're not seeing tired cues by the time their wake window is reached
it's taking longer and longer to support them to sleep
their naps are consistently shorter than usual
naps are staying the same but bedtime / nightwakes is being impacted
Remember to give any change you make to your baby’s sleep 5 - 7 days before assessing whether it’s working or not. Giving your baby a longer wake window one time isn’t likely going to be a consistent enough change to see any improvements.
The Nap-Refusal Phase
Naps can get particularly tricky when your toddler is around two years old. This is a common time for little ones to go through a “nap refusal” stage. They often won't nap at all, or if they do sleep, it's not until much later in the day and as a result, bedtime is much later than you want it to be. Despite their resistance, many toddlers are not actually ready to give up their nap permanently at 24 months.
In a 2020 meta-analysis published in Sleep Medicine Reviews, researchers looked at 11 studies examining nap cessation by age and found that the average age to drop the last nap was between 2.5 and 3.5 years of age. According to this study, the percentage of children who permanently dropped their nap before the age was less than 2.5%.
Take the Pressure Off
So while there is a small portion of the population that will be ready to drop their nap before 2.5 years old, most are going to need it awhile longer.
If you’re in a toddler nap refusal phase, my advice is similar: take the pressure off of everyone to make sleep happen.
Instead, keep your naptime routine (and timing) the same as it always is, but give it a little rebrand. Let your toddler know they don’t have to sleep, but it is time to rest.
Go through your usual routine (diaper change, sleep sack, story, feeding, singing etc.… whatever you typically do) and then commit to spending 20 minutes in their sleep space relaxing together, looking at books or listening to soft music. If they fall asleep, great! If not, you know you did your part to ensure their body got some downtime. Afterward, get up together and carry on with your day.
Often, removing the pressure on them to sleep is exactly what they need for the nap to return. This isn’t going to work overnight, but by keeping the nap routine in place even in the absence of sleep, we often see the nap come back on its own.
Your Mental Health
Trying to “hyper-control” sleep more often than not can be a sign we’re struggling with our mental health. Often, when life feels out of our control, we try to double down on making things play out a certain way, including around our baby’s sleep. Postpartum anxiety - especially around something like baby sleep - is not uncommon in the first year postpartum.
However, we can’t force a baby (or anyone!) to sleep. We can create the conditions to help our little ones wind down, but the actual falling asleep part is up to them. Even under the best of circumstances, sleep can (and does!) go awry sometimes - that’s just the up and down nature of sleep in the early years.
If you’re concerned about your own mental health, consider talking to your healthcare provider. Yes, sleep is hard, but it should never be taking over our lives.
Remember - you’re doing a great job even on the days your baby’s naps go to shit. We’ve all been there!
References:
Staton, S., Rankin, P., Harding, M., Smith, S., Westwood, E., LeBourgeois, M., & Thorpe, K. (2020). Many naps, one nap, none: A systematic review and meta-analysis of napping patterns in children 0-12 years. Sleep medicine reviews, 50, 101247. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2019.101247
What makes my approach different:
The whole gist behind most sleep training programs is that you have to follow their rules for it to work… even if it feels awful.
That’s not what we do here. I will never ask you to do anything that goes against your intuition.
You’re the expert, and you get to call the shots.
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